Its not living life its just surviving.

I am not living my life. All of my emotion and pain are rising at the surface. Trying to make myself cry just so I get some emotions out. But time and time again I just can't. What's the point? Oh thats right, there is no point. Surviving is all I know how to do I don't know how to actually live. My life isn't a life it's a nightmare. And whenever you have a nightmare your supposed to wake up to get rid of it. So what is it like if you life is a nightmare and not just a dream. Is it the opposite? Should I just go to sleep forever to escape the nightmare? At this moment in time thats all I know how to do. There isn't much left for me to do. Time will tell and then I will know. My time is running short here. All I can do is just keep surviving until it is finally the end. I just hope the end is soon.

True Life-Long Calling

Over that past few weeks since school has started back up I have been questioned a lot on what I want to do after I graduate from undergrad. That question has been filling up my mind and consuming my every thought.

Being a psych major I know I want to help people in one way or another.

Also, being sexually abused for 3 years I want to do something in relation to that.

So then.... It hit me!!!

I have decided that after I graduate from undergrad I am going to proceed on to graduate school and earn a masters in Trauma Counseling. Then I will get a counseling license and attempt to work in a hospital type setting where I can help people with PTSD, depression, and anxiety based on past trauma.

However, I believe that my true life calling is to be a Rape Crisis Counselor.

My life is finally falling into place. And my friends it is truly a good place to be.

Jesus is out there, and so I am. Feel free to ask questions about anything. I am always here.

Something New

The end of last semester was a bit rough. I knew I had to go home which is always a struggle, but I also had to say goodbye to one of my closest friends at school (she transferred). As anxious as I was to get home and see the light of my life (my little nephew) I was sad to see the semester end. The good part about all of this was that christmas break was only 2 & 1/2 weeks this year! So, I knew I would be returning very soon. Thus my journey home began.

The first night home was rough just because I didn't get in until after midnight. Therefore, I basically slept the entire next day. After that day and night of sleeping I was back on a normal schedule. I get up the next day and I am excited to play with my nephew and just get to chat with my mother. However, my mother works nights and so she was sleeping all day long. So I didn't get to even say hello to her until she had a day off. I have got to spend most of my break with my sister and her son. My nephew is my pride and joy! He means the absolute world to me and nothing can ever take that away from me. But on the other side of the story, my and my sister fight and argue all the time. We almost never get along. To make matters worse, my father and I get into arguments as well. 

What made everything even worse is that this entire time, there was a big possibility of me not going back to school. 

While this break started off horrible and miserable, things did seem to get better. I finally got to see my mother and chat with her. We spent some great quality time together. My sister, my dad, and myself stopped arguing and we seem to still be getting along. But the biggest question of all had to be was I going back to school?

Finally after days of emailing and phone calls, it is determined that I WILL be RETURNING to school this semester. 

I think what has made this break the best is that through all the heart ache and sadness I have learned to trust in God more than ever. And that is something that is very new to me. I try to do things on my own and I know now that I can't. 

I am now turning to God for everything. Yes, this may sound lame to some people out there, but there is no doubt in my mind that Jesus is my Lord and savior. 

New Therapy, Old Habits

So, I have started a new trauma therapy called Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing therapy (EMDR). Basically all this therapy does is help me reprocess the trauma I have been through so I can move on a live a life that has no struggles from the rape. However, when I go through this therapy it is like I am being re-traumatized all over again. Which sucks very much! 

The only problem that I have with this new therapy so far is my self-harm/suicidal ideals are coming back. I may or may not have self-harmed. But the suicidal ideals are not bad whatsoever. 

I have a decent support system. But i just wish i didn't have to go through this all over again. It is like I am restarting every single pain that I have been through and it is 50% worse! I am so sick of it all.

Worthless, Hopeless, and Unloved

No single person knows what is going through my mind right now... Part of me says keep going but the other part keeps saying why are you still trying?

I am trying to seek Jesus, but where is he?

If I drive, I want to drive into a tree. If I walk, I want to jump off the mountain. If I had a gun, I would pull the trigger. If I had a knife, I would cut and slit my wrists and legs to deep.

There is no person I can turn to anymore. My closest friend doesn't understand what I am trying to tell her, nor is she able to talk when I need her the most (the real world sucks). My other close friend tells me to do whatever I want, she doesn't encourage me to stay alive she says if I want to end it then why not (she also suffers from depression). And the only other friend that I turn to now shouldn't have to carry this burden with me or for me anymore.

Why should I still be here? I am at a loss of what to do... Should I stay or should I just go? Only time will tell. And I just wish I could decide on what to do! In reality I am giving up, but I just don't want to let those certain people down...

Is there anything left for me? If so, I wish I could know and see it so I would know to stay or not...

I just don't know what to say or do anymore. I am just a emotionless person walking around. The only thing I have been feeling is worthless, hopeless, helpless, unloved, uncared for, and invaluable. There is nothing for me in this life anymore...

I am tired of trying, tired of escaping, tired of being alive.

Summer so far

This is just a little of my crazy summer that I have taken on. I have left much out for my own good of not having to relive it (either it was boring, I can't remember because I got a concussion, or it just wasn't important to this certain blog), but this is the more interesting things so far.

So my summer started out by going to see two of my new great friends graduate from college. I met them in the fall of 2013 and we became so close. Seeing them walk across the stage and graduate from college was bitter sweet, even for me. I knew it was the last time I would see them on a regular basis and it was hard. After they walked across the stage and the ceremony was finished I met them both in the lobby. Of course, I was sobbing at the fact that two people I connected with and told my story to first weren't going to be there for me every day any longer. It was hard…. But I knew and know that it isn't a goodbye for us, its just a see you soon!

In the next few days I traveled alongside my fellow teammates to Vancouver Island, Canada for  a missions trip. We served a local church, elders in the area, an Elementary School, and a homeless shelter. This trip opened my eyes so much about how much God is using me to help others lives. The homeless shelter was the thing that changed my heart the most. We served them a hot breakfast, which they normally didn't get, and they were very appreciative of that. I sat down with several people and just had conversations with them and shared about why we were there and how God is there for them even though I didn't believe it at that point either. Later that day we went to downtown Victoria, Canada and I saw a man and his daughter that I had an intimate conversation with at the shelter. He was so happy to see me and I was happy to see him and his daughter. They were just so kind I could not believe it! I miss Canada and I so want to go back soon.

Finally it was time for me to return home for the summer. It isn't something I enjoy, just simply I am not happy at home. A lot of my depression, anxiety, and ptsd stem from "home" for myself. Also, my depression seems to get worse when I am home. However, I was willing to come home to see my grandfather and my nephew whom was just about to be born. A week exactly after I came home from Canada my nephew Hunter Allen was born. He has kept me in a some what sane state while being at home in-between arguments pushing me down.

Here recently I visited one of my friends whom graduated in Pennsylvania! I had a blast while I was there. Not because we did much (trust me we napped a lot), but because we both understand each other and just the time of fellowship and knowing the struggle of depression pushing down on us. We walked around Doylestown, PA, New Hope, NJ, and a couple other places I don't quite remember haha. But it never failed that every day there would be a nice 1-2 hour nap squeezed in there. It is nice to know that you have friends who love and care about you no matter what you do to be with each other, even if its napping haha.

Well, summer is coming to a close and I could not be happier that I am returning to college soon. I miss my school friends and I am excited to be going back to a place that can support me through Jesus! Cov Cov I'm coming back soon :)

"Lord I'm Running To Your Arms"

It has been a long four months since I have posted any blogs. It is not because I ended anything, not because I forgot about it, or because of any other reason other than I needed time to find myself. Four months hasn't been enough time to completely find myself, but the one thing I have found again is Jesus! Jesus is my Lord and Savior and he is never going to leave my side whether I think it or not.

When I first returned home for the summer I refused to have any relationship with church and even God himself. That is when my youth pastor came to my house (I live about 45 minutes from my church) and drug me to church on a youth night. He did this for three weeks until I finally drove myself again. Even when he did take me to youth I just sat there and did nothing. At that point in time God wasn't there for me. He was nonexistent in my eyes, quickly I was proven wrong (like always). Time after time I just had so many people praying over me and for me that I was overwhelmed. It was the beginning of church and the song was being sung around the church and all I could focus on was the part of the song "Lord I'm running to your arms." And then it hit me… I fell to my knees and just started weeping.

Jesus was back into my mind and I knew he was there for me. I finally realized that He has been here the whole time and I have been the one running away from him, not the other way around!

God is just so powerful and he had been breaking me down each and every day since that night. I know that I am not living my life for myself, but I am living my life for him. Which makes me feel great  coming to this realization, however; I have had 4 friends telling me this for a while now. And I am going to apologize to them once I see them again at college. There has just been so much going on it is hard to believe that this has been here my whole life and I am just now seeing it. I wish that satan hadn't blinded me before, but now I am able to see the light of Jesus shining through.

God is just so powerful and amazing. He is everlasting and we should never take him for granted. I am a walking testimony to that.

I strongly encourage you all to read the book of Colossians, even if you already have read all four chapters again. It just reminds you that God is fighting for you even if you do to believe it or are having people tell you otherwise. With faith comes hope, have faith in the Lord and your hope is sure to follow.

Galatians 2:20-21 
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing."

Call out to Jesus even when you feel like Jesus is not there, he is on his way. Do NOT think he is never coming! Jesus has a plan for our sickness and it does NOT end in death, it ends in goodness by him. Jesus is here today and it is what he brings, not who he is because Jesus is HOPE!

He will always come back, because JESUS IS!!!