What more can I do?

I have been asking myself this question quite often lately. Whether it is because I know I need to get something done, or I just really need help. I have so many friends willing to help me, but I just don't know how to talk to them anymore. They are great, on the other hand I am not. I feel like I am always bothering them with my problems which is kind of true… 

I got an increase in my medicine yesterday, which is a good thing because my episodes where spiraling out of control. Yet at this moment I find myself taking 20 steps backwards again. They said I would come back to all of it but I didn't want to. I was determined to not go back to the way I was before, but it looks like I was wrong and I failed at something yet again.

38 days of control over what I did. It just all went down the drain. 

I really wish I didn't but its too late to stop now. I felt really good yesterday, but as the day went on I just kind of slipped into a dark little hole again. I don't know how to reach out anymore. Who can I turn to? I am still trying to turn to God and cling to him, it is just really hard. I am thankful every day for what God did for me and what he continually does for me. But my heart and soul is just so dark…

With all that is going through my mind right now I am having serious difficulty living my life. I am trying to surround myself with people who care about me. But I'm turning them away. I just need a little bit of relief… I'm falling, deeper and deeper every waking moment. I need help, but I am to stubborn to get help. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. 

People say crying helps. But there comes a time when crying gets old. Especially after doing it almost 3 times a day. I am falling back into old habits. They are bad but I enjoy them. Hopefully it gives me some relief I need right now. My life sucks at this moment and I am going through a lot. 

How can I take this any longer? Am I all alone? Why am I falling deeper into this hole? Is it possible for me to come out of this again? Is this the end? What more can I do? Is my life over?