Over Christmas break the person who raped me committed suicide. His parents called me on the 26th of December to ask if we could speak in person. I reluctantly went to their house to speak with them. Upon arriving they seemed distressed. His mom blurted out, "is it true?" At that point I was totally confused. She then asked if her son raped me. I was confused, I asked why she was asking me. Then she told me that her son committed suicide and wrote about raping me in the suicide note. "I couldn't take it any longer, I raped Anna Verwey for years and I have gotten away with it. Not only did I rape her, but I forced her to do things to my friends as well. I shot several guns off near her forcing her to do things she was not willing to do. I hit her, I abused her mentally and physically. This guilt is to much to bear. I know she won't do anything about it so I will! Anna please forgive me for hurting you for so long and for all the I made you do. I really do feel so guilty. Please just forgive me. I do love you even until I take my last breath. Goodbye, and don't forget me for all the good times we had together."
This is what he wrote to me before he pulled the trigger. How do I take this???? The police got involved because he killed himself in the woods when he said he was going hunting, just to make sure it was a suicide and not a homicide. Because I was the prime person in his letter, I was investigated. Three days later I was released and ruled out as a suspect.
This just makes no sense to me… People say that it is not okay to run away from you problems, then why can he and feel so much better. Why can't I? I feel like that is almost the best option sometimes… Including days like today. I just wish I could end it all so I don't have to deal with things anymore. Life is so hard and complicated and I am just tired of living it. I am just going through the motions and that is killing me. I just want to give up and never look back!
Before I would do things to get relief from what I was feeling. Like drinking, smoking, and cutting myself. I thought that was the solution. But I turned toward God for relief now. But even though I turn to God for relief I do things just to do them at this point. And they feel great!!! I know they aren't good for me but I just like the feeling it gives me now.
I just want to quit everything. I want to quit softball, quit school, and quit living! I cannot wrap my mind around things anymore.
I ran out of my depression medication last week. I didn't have time to go to the pharmacy until Saturday so I just went without it for a few days. Some people were really concerned for me not to be taking it for even one day. I know it was something I shouldn't have done but I know now why I take it. Yet at the same time it makes me feel like a zombie. When I didn't take it I felt like I was going on my own, and that I had the free will to make decisions. While when I take it I feel like I am just going about my day as best as I can. Like the medication is just taking over my body and I have no say in what I do or think. The medication does make me feel a little bit better than when I'm not on it, but is it really worth it to feel like I am not here mentally, just physically? I don't know…
I am just over everything!!! I do not want to take any of it anymore. I don't know how to anymore. I am turning to God for all that I can. However I feel like he is just not here with me anymore. Jesus are you here? God I need you! I need your guidance I need you to walk by my side!
What is there for me? Do I have a chance at life? Can I quit now?
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