The end maybe near

Traveling from Lookout Mountain, Georgia to High Point, North Carolina to Raleigh, North Carolina to Fayetteville, North Carolina and now to Rocky Mount, North Carolina on a charter bus with my softball team is quite the journey. I forgot to mention some background knowledge to this little disaster. Over half of the team does not like each other, we have not been playing well lately, and flat out only a couple of us get along to the point to play well together. So this trip has not been fun what so ever. On top of all of that, I have been going through one of my biggest episodes yet. I just want to quit everything. I am losing it to the end of all things. I am currently failing 3 of my 4 classes, I cannot even play because of my knee surgery, I do not have any people I connect with anywhere on campus or around me, and I just want to give up on life. Things have just gotten so hard lately and there is no telling how much harder they are about to become. I just need someone to be there to hold me when I cry and tell me that everything is going to be alright, someone to tell me to get out of bed on the days I don't want to, and someone to give me a hug and tell me that they love me when I'm feeling down. I just don't have that… And that is the biggest downfall to my struggle… There is just so much going on in my family life, school life, personal life, and athletic life and I do not know what else I can take at this point. I think this is the point where I have to throw in the towel and say I QUIT!

I don't mean to upset those of you who read this, (no body does anyways) but this is my life and this is who I am. One day you may come across somebody in this situation and you can try and help them. Maybe you can even help yourself. But today I just don't see anymore help or hope for me...

Spring Break 2014

This years spring break went a little different for me. Normally I am able to be with my family for at least a couple days out of the week. However, I was stuck on campus due to softball all week long. I was the only one on my hall for an entire week! It was so wonderful, but it was time for my friends and hall mates to come back to campus. I had surgery on my knee the week before spring break so I was on crutches for the first couple days of break (which was not much of a break for me). So the softball team had games on Tuesday at Maryville which we came out victorious in both games, the we had games on Thursday at Swanee which we split that game series. I got to hit in those games but it was only once because I can't run so my coach had to put someone in to run for me once I got to first base. Then on Saturday we had a double header against LaGrange… It was brutal for us because we had been going non stop for two weeks. We barely lost both games, it was tough on some of us. But after the games had gotten over our coach gave us Sunday and Monday (today) off so we could rest. She could see how tired we were. So now on my day off I choose to write this blog of course. Just to share the good times I have had. Things are looking up for me. I haven't had a super bad day since Tuesday which is very nice. But I think the best part about my spring break was getting to see my best friend AK when we played in North Carolina! I have missed her so much over this semester so far. We Skype every week but it is nothing like getting to see her in person and receiving a big ole' hug from her to brighten my mood. Now that everyone is back on campus its back to the same routine for the rest of the semester. We only have a little ways to go then I get to watch four of my favorite people graduate (AK, Ruth, JB, and Ki)! This semester is sure flying by quickly. I just wish it would slow down a little so I could enjoy it more. I hope everyone else had a good spring break, because I know I sure did! It may seem boring and busy to others but for me, it was just what I needed! But it sure is good to be back with all of my friends at Covenant College. LET'S GO SCOTS!! Summer is just a blink away.

Surgery

So tomorrow Tuesday, March 4, 2014 I am having surgery on my right knee. This can be a simple procedure as taking part of my knee cap out, or it can be more severe by having to repair my patella tendon. I am hoping for the best when it comes to this surgery. I can be out of softball anywhere from 1 week to a whole year. There is a part of the uncertainty that I am terrified about. However, I know that God is in control of this situation and he has a great plan for me. :) My life is hard at times, and everyday is different. Some days are worse than other days. And today just happened to be a good one. Now I just hope being off my medication for one day won't affect me to bad so I can continue my good days. Prayers for my knee are appreciated. I love having the support from all my family and friends. I can't wait to be out of extreme pain.

Changing Perspectives for the Better

This is a long post, however I need to get these things out there. I have made to many mistakes recently and I am finally coming to see the right things. Please stick it out and read all of it. I believe that this post is a good one and people should read it all the way through. 

I have seen the light in many different ways recently. Whether it was from reading a book, talking with friends, listening in church, and even being on my own I was hearing, seeing, and understanding how bad I have been making choices and how much I need to change some things. 

The book I am reading is called Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst. This book is so wonderful and I have only read to chapter 3 thus far. It shows how even though she is becoming emotionally stressed, she is learning how to control her emotions and not freak out, or come unglued, in these situations. Here are some of the things that have helped me in this book: "God gave me emotions so I could experience life, not destroy it." "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be the transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2)." "I can face things that are out of my control and not act out of control." "We can't always fix our circumstances, but we can fix our minds on God." and finally "Progress. Just make progress. It's okay to have setbacks and the need for do-overs - and again. Just make sure you're moving the line forward. Move forward. Take baby steps, but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck. Then changes will come. And it will be good." This book makes me realize that I can have a better life, I just need to set my mind on it then I can do anything with God!

Recently I have been talking with some friends and they were able to put things in a perspective to show me what wrong I am doing. The first conversation I had was with my friend Megan. Megan and I had an entire conversation where we switched places saying things to one another like the other would say. This show'd me how ridiculous I was acting towards my feelings and emotions. Also, she helped me see what advice she has been giving me the whole time really is helping and sinking in to my mind. I am so thankful to that conversation with her. Another conversation I had was with my friend Emily. She basically told me up front that I was rejecting God and I needed to stop. And once I stopped rejecting God that things will be much better. Emily also helped me realize that it is okay to take steps back, because I will continue to take steps forward everyday at a time. She has been a big help with many things that have been happening in my life and I really appreciate the conversations I have with her. The last person that helped me out recently was a friend named McGee. She gave me a not with many bible verses on it and it show'd me that God is here whether I see it or not. Megan, Emily, and McGee have been great joys in my life. I would never take the conversations and moments that I have with them for granted, and I will always remember them and try to take them to heart!

Listening in church on sunday morning, something in my gut told me to take notes, and I am sure glad I did! We were discussing Exodus 33:1-17. The topic of the sermon was What makes your people and what makes you so special? God is with you!!! Pastor Randy spoke on 5 different points on how to get there. Point one is that we need a recognition of our condition, this was described in Exodus 32:31-32. The second point is that we need repentance that values sense over cents, which means that we need to know God over material success. Point three is that we nee realignment of our assignment. This means that God comes in different ways, don't build an idol around him; love Jesus in all things and situations. The fourth point is that we need a relationship that won't be shipwrecked, which shows that our struggles are more than material, they bring a relationship with God. Also, Pastor Randy made me realize that the only relationship that matters is a relationship with God. Point five is that we need a reputation of Godly approbation, which basically means that God delivers in all things and in all ways. In the end of Pastor Randy's message he stated that God is, and must be, the MAIN PRIORITY.

I have even been able to see some things on my own on how ridiculous I am acting. Christian music has been a really good thing for me lately. The lyrics have really been sitting in my mind on how well I can accept God everyday and how much God is in my life! I am gaining a new respect for God. I have been rejecting him like my friend Emily said. But I have also been rejecting help from my friends, which was brought to my attention by Megan… I am turning my life around. It is a tough and rough thing to do but I know in the end God is guiding me in the direction that is good for me. 

I am so thankful for the people in my life and I hope that the relationship that I am creating with not only God but with my friends here at college last a lifetime. At this moment I can not see my life without them! They are wonderful people and I love telling them that each and everyday!!!

Special thanks to Megan, Emily, McGee, Ruth, and Anna. I couldn't make it some days if it wasn't for them! I love them all so much!!!

Thoughts and Emotions

This post is just a post on trying to put all my thoughts and emotions together. I don't know what to do anymore and I don't know what to say or think either. Right now in my life things are just very hard. So let me just start…

Over Christmas break the person who raped me committed suicide. His parents called me on the 26th of December to ask if we could speak in person. I reluctantly went to their house to speak with them. Upon arriving they seemed distressed. His mom blurted out, "is it true?" At that point I was totally confused. She then asked if her son raped me. I was confused, I asked why she was asking me. Then she told me that her son committed suicide and wrote about raping me in the suicide note. "I couldn't take it any longer, I raped Anna Verwey for years and I have gotten away with it. Not only did I rape her, but I forced her to do things to my friends as well. I shot several guns off near her forcing her to do things she was not willing to do. I hit her, I abused her mentally and physically. This guilt is to much to bear. I know she won't do anything about it so I will! Anna please forgive me for hurting you for so long and for all the I made you do. I really do feel so guilty. Please just forgive me. I do love you even until I take my last breath. Goodbye, and don't forget me for all the good times we had together." 

This is what he wrote to me before he pulled the trigger. How do I take this???? The police got involved because he killed himself in the woods when he said he was going hunting, just to make sure it was a suicide and not a homicide. Because I was the prime person in his letter, I was investigated. Three days later I was released and ruled out as a suspect. 

This just makes no sense to me… People say that it is not okay to run away from you problems, then why can he and feel so much better. Why can't I? I feel like that is almost the best option sometimes… Including days like today. I just wish I could end it all so I don't have to deal with things anymore. Life is so hard and complicated and I am just tired of living it. I am just going through the motions and that is killing me. I just want to give up and never look back!

Before I would do things to get relief from what I was feeling. Like drinking, smoking, and cutting myself. I thought that was the solution. But I turned toward God for relief now. But even though I turn to God for relief I do things just to do them at this point. And they feel great!!! I know they aren't good for me but I just like the feeling it gives me now.

I just want to quit everything. I want to quit softball, quit school, and quit living! I cannot wrap my mind around things anymore.

I ran out of my depression medication last week. I didn't have time to go to the pharmacy until Saturday so I just went without it for a few days. Some people were really concerned for me not to be taking it for even one day. I know it was something I shouldn't have done but I know now why I take it. Yet at the same time it makes me feel like a zombie. When I didn't take it I felt like I was going on my own, and that I had the free will to make decisions. While when I take it I feel like I am just going about my day as best as I can. Like the medication is just taking over my body and I have no say in what I do or think. The medication does make me feel a little bit better than when I'm not on it, but is it really worth it to feel like I am not here mentally, just physically? I don't know…

I am just over everything!!! I do not want to take any of it anymore. I don't know how to anymore. I am turning to God for all that I can. However I feel like he is just not here with me anymore. Jesus are you here? God I need you! I need your guidance I need you to walk by my side!

What is there for me? Do I have a chance at life? Can I quit now? 

What more can I do?

I have been asking myself this question quite often lately. Whether it is because I know I need to get something done, or I just really need help. I have so many friends willing to help me, but I just don't know how to talk to them anymore. They are great, on the other hand I am not. I feel like I am always bothering them with my problems which is kind of true… 

I got an increase in my medicine yesterday, which is a good thing because my episodes where spiraling out of control. Yet at this moment I find myself taking 20 steps backwards again. They said I would come back to all of it but I didn't want to. I was determined to not go back to the way I was before, but it looks like I was wrong and I failed at something yet again.

38 days of control over what I did. It just all went down the drain. 

I really wish I didn't but its too late to stop now. I felt really good yesterday, but as the day went on I just kind of slipped into a dark little hole again. I don't know how to reach out anymore. Who can I turn to? I am still trying to turn to God and cling to him, it is just really hard. I am thankful every day for what God did for me and what he continually does for me. But my heart and soul is just so dark…

With all that is going through my mind right now I am having serious difficulty living my life. I am trying to surround myself with people who care about me. But I'm turning them away. I just need a little bit of relief… I'm falling, deeper and deeper every waking moment. I need help, but I am to stubborn to get help. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. 

People say crying helps. But there comes a time when crying gets old. Especially after doing it almost 3 times a day. I am falling back into old habits. They are bad but I enjoy them. Hopefully it gives me some relief I need right now. My life sucks at this moment and I am going through a lot. 

How can I take this any longer? Am I all alone? Why am I falling deeper into this hole? Is it possible for me to come out of this again? Is this the end? What more can I do? Is my life over?

Why do bad things happen?

Heavenly Father,

I pray to you that you give the troubled some hope tonight at there are some problems happening in the world around me. I know you are with us tonight and I thank you for everything you have provided me. Please give her family peace tonight as they grieve over there loved ones death. Also please give me the strength to go on the path you have given me. It is not easy right now, but I know you are guiding the way for us.

In your sweet name,

Amen

I wanted to open this blog in a prayer because there is so much going on in my life at the moment and I just wanted to remind myself and all of you that God is walking by your side and he is going to make everything alright even in the darkest of times. 

First I wanted to mention how sad it is that back in my home town a 17 year old died in a car crash. This young lady was someone who was quite close to me in high school. No matter the cause she will always be missed. I do not know why bad things happen to people so young, but she was called home to be with Jesus now. She is looking down at all of us and is just smiling because she is okay now. I love and miss you sweet girl! R.I.P Syndeya Adams… You will never be forgotten!

Secondly I have not had the best week. To start off the week I was in a very bad depression episode. I then got out of it later on Monday night. However on Monday at softball practice I felt a pop in my knee and was not able to put pressure on my leg. Today I went to the doctors and they told me I broke my knee. I need to get an MRI to see how bad the damage is. But they are saying I am possibly going to need surgery in order to fix all the damage it has caused in my knee. As if my week wasn't already off to a rocky start.

But I do know this… God has a plan for me. I do not know what they are but he is with me taking every step I take. I also know that it is okay to cry sometimes. Crying helps you out a lot! It helps you relieve all the built up emotions that have been really deep down in your heart.

God bless you all. And don't forget to say I love you to people you really care about, because you never know when it is going to be the last time you see them!

"For I know the planes I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11-